It's happened again. One of those moments where all you know of the world you live in, the path you walk on and the purpose of life set before you, is shattered to pieces. A moment where revelation happens, and a new understanding of everything takes the place of the old. And it fits so beautifully. So much so, that you wonder why you ever thought differently in the first place. Then, there is a bubble of something so profoundly good and true and joyous, that bursts forth in your spirit and a peace like you have never known floods in.
As I have mentioned in previous posts, this past month has been a very trying time, full of conviction, growth, heartbreak and truth. During this time, when people asked me how I was doing so often my answer would be something along the lines of "Well, this week has been hard. One of those weeks that change everything... you know... a top ten moment in my walk with the Lord." In a previous post I said that "The past month or so has been one of the most significant of my 22 years on this earth. No exaggeration." And now, while I look back on those conversations and the answers I gave, I see sincerity and truth... but I also laugh at how different I feel now. Actually laugh. Those who know me well know that me laughing at a time when it seems awkward to do so is pretty normal. Very common in fact. But to be honest, I love that at times, with love and patience, the Lord makes made me laugh. Because really...What do I know of Holy? What do I know of salvation? All I know with utmost certainty is that apart from Christ I know nothing. And because I can be absolutely certain of Christ, I am graciously uncertain of everything else. But I digress...
As I have mentioned in previous posts, this past month has been a very trying time, full of conviction, growth, heartbreak and truth. During this time, when people asked me how I was doing so often my answer would be something along the lines of "Well, this week has been hard. One of those weeks that change everything... you know... a top ten moment in my walk with the Lord." In a previous post I said that "The past month or so has been one of the most significant of my 22 years on this earth. No exaggeration." And now, while I look back on those conversations and the answers I gave, I see sincerity and truth... but I also laugh at how different I feel now. Actually laugh. Those who know me well know that me laughing at a time when it seems awkward to do so is pretty normal. Very common in fact. But to be honest, I love that at times, with love and patience, the Lord makes made me laugh. Because really...What do I know of Holy? What do I know of salvation? All I know with utmost certainty is that apart from Christ I know nothing. And because I can be absolutely certain of Christ, I am graciously uncertain of everything else. But I digress...
This new moment that I have just recently experienced, last night in my car in fact, is what I want to tell you about. For the past couple months I have been trying so hard to change. Not necessarily let Christ change me, but instead, by my own power, make myself worthy of His love. It hasn't gone well. The fact that I am sinful, and human, has dramatically affected my progress... as you could probably guess. For so long I have been feeling things like heartache, conviction, weightiness, responsibility and pain. Wanting it to cease, attempting to step out in faith and let God move... and messing it up every time. I kept thinking to myself "Its already been two weeks... I know I'll figure this out... Everything will change.... One more day and I'll take that first step." Yesterday, a friend challenged me with a new perspective. That this step forward I want to take, this big change I desire to take place in my life... it is not going to happen over night. In fact, it is not going to happen in a day or a week or maybe even a year. And then it dawned on me...
This is what my whole life should look like.
Now hold on and let me explain before you go "Well duh Liz." What I mean by this is, yes... someday I will take that step in full surrender and faith. And later I might step back, so I'll take it again. And then I'll take another. And another. But these feelings of conviction, responsibility, weightiness, and pain I feel may never go away. And that's okay. Because I think, for the first time... I understand what it means live the "Christian walk." Why would I ever NOT want to feel the weight of my sin? Or the pull of conviction? Or the pain of living outside of Christ? It is in those feeling that I acknowledge my great need for a Savior. And I run back to Him. I will struggle with sin everyday. I'll deal with conviction everyday. And as a result of those feelings, when I run back to Christ, I will know the what it feels to be loved so completely by One so much greater than I. And with that... I find that I'm not afraid anymore. There is a turmoil that exists in my heart and spirit, and it will not go away. But that's okay. In fact, I don't want it to. It is a righteous turmoil. One not of shame, but of beautiful conviction. One that calls me to live more completely in intimacy with Christ. For if I can feel pain, then I know even more certainly that I can feel love.
Does that make sense? Did I explain it okay? I very much hope I did, because it's implications are astounding. I guess what I am trying to say is that all that I've experienced, all that I've felt and gone through ... that is life. Life as it is lived out in the reality of Christ and His love, mercy and grace. And I don't want that to change. I pray that I never become so dead and unfeeling that I can't acknowledge heartbreak and pain... much less redeeming love. Because really, one cannot happen without the other. God did His greatest work on this earth with a broken heart, as He offered up His son in the place of sinners. And so, like Oswald Chambers challenges us, "Why should I not thank Him for breaking mine?"
